Life After Death
by Voyfemme
Summary: Summary: The aftermath of Neelix’s attempted suicide JC, PT, N, K
1. Chapter 1

**Part 9: Coming into the Light: **

**Ray 2: Life after Death**

Summary:

The aftermath of Neelix's attempted suicide (J/C, P/T, N, H)

_Pairing: _J/C, P/T, N, H_Rating_: PG-13_Type of Story:_ Mush_Level_: 2

* * *

**Part 9: Coming into the Light: **

**Ray 2: Life after Death**

"Captain. By the time you get this message, I will be dead…."

"Computer pause message. Janeway to Sickbay."

"Chakotay here."

Commander is Neelix still there?"

"Yes Captain, the Doctor is giving him a check-up now."

"Just checking, Janeway out."

"Computer when was this message sent?"

"This message was sent at 1200 hours on a one hour time delay."

Kathryn looked at Neelix frozen in mid air on her terminal in her ready room. She had almost lost him today. Again. Clearly he had meant for her to receive this message after he had returned to the Nebula. _After he returned to the Nebula?_ Why was she looking for euphemisms to say the truth? Today Neelix had tried to_ kill_ himself. She stared intently at the screen, "What the hell did you think you were doing, Neelix?" She whispered to the screen softly. "What about your duty to this crew? What kind of coward are you?" Her voice steeled and she closed her eyes briefly.

She didn't realize until that point that she had been holding her breath waiting to exhale; waiting for the person on the screen, to give her an answer, an explanation, for what he had tried. She was angry, but she knew that the anger came from hurt. To her, Neelix wanting to kill himself was a slap in the face to the people who loved him. She thought back to the time when she had talked to him after he had been resuscitated. Perhaps she should not have let him continue the Prixin celebrations after what he had been through. But he seemed so eager to get back to work, who could have guessed that something more was going on? Once again, she wished that she had a counselor on board. But their mission in the beginning did not require one. But they needed one now. A counselor would know what to do in this situation. A counselor would know if to listen to this message or not. But she was just a Captain. And the safety of everyone aboard Voyager was her responsibility. She promised herself to protect them, no matter what. Even if the enemy that they were fighting was in fact themselves.

"Computer, continue playback."

"I take full responsibility for what I have done. No one else is to blame. I died in that Nebula and I wish that I had stayed dead. The consequences of life after death are now too much for me to bear." Neelix's voice was a whisper when he said these words. "I know what I have to do, and I return the Nebula where I died." His voice rose again with forced determination

"Captain, I wanted to thank you for making Kes and I a part of your crew on your journey home. For keeping me on board as a valuable member of your crew even when I screwed up. I know you will get home Captain. No matter what, please believe that.

Commander Chakotay, you and the Captain have made a formidable team as you traveled through this quadrant. I have come to envy your wisdom, strength and your courage under fire. I know that inside of you is a deep core of faith that has made who you are today, and that faith in the truths of your people's spiritual beliefs has never been shaken. At least it seems that way to me. Maybe if I were a little more like you, I would be able to deal with this loss better. Thank you for all you have done Commander. At least I got the answers to my questions before going.

Tom. I don't know if you ever got to hear the segment I did on you on "A briefing with Neelix" right before you left the ship in order to flush out Michael Jonas as a spy on Voyager. I have left a copy of that for you. It is as true today as it was then, and even more so. When you go in the kitchen, you will see a pizza in the food stores. Enjoy. I read somewhere about cold pizza and beer being a good combination.

B'Elanna. Being Klingon is nothing to be ashamed of. I hope that I managed to help you start accepting that part of yourself. As you know I have been researching Klingon customs and I admire the way they harness their violent natures by their code of honor. A lot of species deny the darkest of emotions, giving their emotions the power to destroy when their repressed emotions are brought to the surface. The Klingons will never have that problem. They are a proud and honorable people and you should be proud too, for having their customs as part of your heritage.

Doctor. I know that I may have been a bother with my enthusiasm whenever we have had to work together, however, I want you to know that I have always been grateful for my company. I am grateful that I had a chance to work with you and thank you for everything that you have done for me.

Seven, I'm glad that I was able to make my peace with you in person. I just want to leave you with one thought. Though it may seem as though humans are imperfect and flawed, they must be doing something right with their imperfection. The Federation has not been assimilated…yet" Neelix gave a small smile.

Ensign Kim. I've seen you go from a green, wet behind the ears crewman to one who can hold his own on the bridge and has saved the ship countless of times. I am glad to have gotten to know you on this ship and I know that you will continue to be one of Captain Janeway's most trusted and experienced officer on this crew.

And finally Mr. Tuvok. I am grateful for the opportunity I had to win your respect. Your strength and wisdom are an inspiration to me and I can only hope that your memory of me will serve to inspire you in some way.

It was an honor to spend my last years on _Voyager_, with this crew. I want to thank all of you for your kindness, and your companionship.

Goodbye."

* * *

When the recording finished playing Chakotay, leaned back on the couch and closed his eyes. He neither wanted this part of his duty nor was he trained for it, but he could not abandon any one of the crew in their hour of greatest need. He wished Kes was here. She may have been able to reach Neelix better than he.

Kathryn looked at him from the desk. She had asked him to join her as soon as he was finished in Sickbay. When he came in, she could see the concern etching his face. It matched hers. Sometime during the playback of Neelix's message, her anger had dissipated. There was something in the way he looked, the way he left this message for the entire bridge crew and Seven, that made her realize how haunted the Talaxian was. In the message, he seemed to be giving up his soul right then and there.

Without a word she beckoned him to her consul and began the play back. Chakotay heard the first few lines of it and turned away from the screen. Wearily he went to the couch, sat down and listened. He knew that his face was registering his emotional reaction to what was being said and that Kathryn was studying him intently, but he didn't care. He was just burdened. It just didn't seem right that what he was listening to was the Morale Officer's suicide note. What did it say about them, what did it say about _him_ that Neelix did not feel safe enough to confide in him, that he couldn't say what the visions led him to believe?

"When did you get the message?" He did not open his eyes. Kathryn walked and sat next to him on the other end of the couch. Due to its curved nature, she was facing Chakotay.

"Right before I called you in Sickbay. Where is Neelix now?" Chakotay slowly brought his head up at her question. His expression was un-readable as he answered her.

"Still there. He's confined to Sickbay under the Doctor's watchful eye, although he does not know it. He seemed exhausted and fell asleep while the Doctor and I were talking. I didn't want to post security there so that the Doctor and I have locked up all of the medical equipment and I locked the doors to sickbay. Anyone wishing to enter will have to give clearance unless we are at red alert. I have revoked Neelix's security protocols and I've also placed all critical and transporter systems under lockdown. Anyone giving the wrong clearance and pass word will be reported to Tuvok. Neelix is _not_ going to try this again." There was no way to misread the resolve in his voice and a thought suddenly struck Kathryn.

"Chakotay, did you know that Neelix was having a difficult time after the incident on the Nebula?"

That was always the problem. How much to say, how much not to say. Neelix had asked him for help to understand his experience. He was sure that the Talaxian didn't go to the Captain, and he didn't think that he wanted her to know, but thanks to what he tried to do today she did know and she had every right to be concerned. Neelix had not thought that he was coming back, so he didn't exactly care about confidentiality when he prepared to leave the ship. Should Chakotay keep it now?

"He did talk to me after the first failure of the nanoprobes. He wanted to go on a vision quest and I guided him. I made an appointment to talk to him the day afterwards. A vision quest when seeking an answer is a complicated thing and interpretation of the images takes time. Given what had happened to Neelix before, I wanted to make sure that he understood what those images meant before coming to a conclusion. He was in a lot of doubt about his belief in the after life. He kept that appointment and told me briefly what had happened in his vision. We bounced around a couple of thoughts and we made an appointment for this morning to talk about it some more."

Although Neelix took the first step in the self disclosure, he and Captain Janeway would have to determine how best to deal with the situation and information that Neelix had given them. Beside it had gone too far now. The entire bridge crew knew what had happened. They were closest to Neelix and they were all going to play a part in his recovery. Chakotay suddenly sat up and focused his eyes on Kathryn. They never wavered from him. She was his best friend and confidant as well as his Captain. Months before, both of them had come close to dissolving their friendship by making some terrible mistakes because of not trusting one another and themselves. He never wanted to be in that position again. He knew the Kathryn didn't either. So she sat there quietly letting him go on. She was giving him support for what he had to say and she knew in the end, she would trust him to do what is best.

Right now he didn't feel that she should. "He missed this morning's appointment. I went to talk to him afterwards and he promised to meet me at the end of my duty shift. He didn't seem depressed to me. He said he was fine and he had a lot of work to do. That's why he didn't show up."

"Chakotay, don't take the blame for this, you did your best and I don't think that Neelix was giving anyone any clues as to what was really going on."

"But the question remains," Chakotay got up and went to her consul where the recording had been playing. He started it up again and muted the audio. He studied Neelix's face as he was talking looking for some clue on how to proceed. Kathryn joined him at the desk. "What do we do now? Not only in terms of Neelix, but the other people who know about this; the bridge crew, Ensign Wildman." He turned off the consul and stood with his hands, palms down on Kathryn's desk. She put a hand on his shoulder and he turned to face her.

"I'm on my way to talk to Neelix and the Doctor right now. We'll assemble the bridge crew as soon as I get back. I think that Neelix should speak to Ensign Wildman by yourself. I'll leave this matter in your hands Commander."

"For Neelix's sake I don't think you should."

"You're wrong Commander. You have formed a bond with Neelix over this. You successfully talked him down off the transporter pad. You are the only person who can do this and I trust your discretion in this matter." This time it was one of her compassionate looks that greeted Chakotay when he looked up. He felt her support in it.

"I'll be in Sickbay." And with that he left.

* * *

By the time that Captain Janeway got down to Sickbay, Neelix had just woken up. She entered and heard Neelix and the Doctor arguing.

"Doctor, I want to leave Sickbay now and that's just what I am going to do."

"Captain!" Neelix seemed to be in shock when he saw her. Kathryn wondered why. Did he think that she was just going to ignore him after what he had tried to do?

"Would you please excuse us Doctor?" She said softly, and with that the Doctor deactivated himself and Neelix looked downright scared. Kathryn stood two meters away from Neelix. He was pacing and looking like he was going to bolt at any moment. Eventually, he settled on the bio-bed and seemed to be resigned to his fate. He looked down in order to avoid her eyes. Kathryn walked over to the bio-bed and sat next to him. She pretended to be as interested in the medical tray as Neelix was.

"I got your message." Kathryn began softly. Neelix did not answer, nor did he look away from the tray. "I played it for Commander Chakotay. I thought it was necessary for him to hear it. I'm going to delete it from the databanks."

"Thank you Captain." Came the soft reply.

"So far officially, only the bridge crew knows what happened today, and that's the way that we will try to keep it." Neelix began to swing his feet off of the bio-bed. Kathryn continued. "Your security clearance has been revoked from key areas of the ship until the Doctor and Commander Chakotay considers you out of danger. You're completely off the protomatter project and you are restricted to light Mesh Hall duty only for the next week. You are under orders to report to the Doctor and Commander Chakotay anytime they see fit. If you do not respond when they summon, you will be confined to Sickbay, under guard. If there are no other occurrences, I will consider this matter closed."

"I understand completely."

"Mr. Neelix look at me." Neelix finally raised his eyes and looked into the Captain's. "What you did today, hurts me deeply. I understand that the experience unsettled you and I can even understand you having feelings of hopelessness and helplessness about a loss of faith, but what I cannot understand is the way that you chose to act on them, without any consideration for anyone else. We are all in this together Neelix and we count on each other, we _need_ each other. You owe it to us to call for help when you need it the way that we call on you when we need help. What you almost did today is the same as telling us that everything we have gone through together means nothing to you, that _we_ don't mean anything to you."

"Captain, you know that is not true, you all mean the world to me." Neelix exclaimed vehemently. He didn't like the sad look that the Captain was giving him. Her eyes were full and that said as much to Neelix as her speech.

"You know that, that's the irony of it all. Your letter told us how much you love us and consider yourself a part of us, in as much as your actions told us otherwise."

* * *

"I wanted to call you all together to talk about what happened today" Kathryn was standing behind her chair looking at each of her officers.

"Is Neelix going to be alright?" Harry asked his concern showing.

"He should be, and he will be working with the Doctor and Commander Chakotay for a while and on light Mess Hall Duty. This means that there will be some extra duty shift rotations in the Mess Hall."

Kathryn waited for a retort from Tom and Harry. There wasn't any. Tom looked as concerned as Harry and surprisingly so did B'Elanna. Tuvok looked like, well Tuvok, but Kathryn knew that underneath it this matter did concern him because of the effect that a suicide would have had on the efficiency of the crew.

"The official reason that will be given to anyone who asks is that Neelix is sick. I don't have to tell you to not to divulge to anyone else what happened today. The gossip conduit will be conducting false information faster than warp 9 on its own, we do not need to add any plasma to it. Neelix is our friend and right now he needs us to support him while he begins to heal. He doesn't need to be pitied or ridiculed."

"What can we do to help?" Tom's expression as he asked the question signaled his readiness to be part of Neelix's healing process. Kathryn looked around at her Bridge Officers and noted their looks of concern for their fellow crewmate who was in pain. She was struck by how much more than a Starfleet crew her team had become. They were indeed a family looking to her to help them protect and care for one of their own.

"The Doctor had told us that the best way to interact with Mr. Neelix after a time like this is to act normally and be supportive. Don't pry intentionally for your own satisfaction, but be there for him and let him bend your ear if he needs to."

Kathryn had been standing next to her chair and as she began speaking and she moved around the room infusing her crew with the knowledge that Neelix was going to be alright. She finally came to rest behind her First Officer. The symbolism of this act was not lost on him.

"Dismissed"


	2. Chapter 2

"Neelix, am I smelling what I think I'm smelling?" Tom's mouth was practically watering

"Yep" Neelix was momentary out of sight, but when he became visible he was holding a large silver platter. "Pizza!" he declared triumphantly and set it down on the table in front of Tom, Harry and B'Elanna.

"Hey, this smells great" Harry exclaimed. He too shared in Tom enthusiasm, but then after a moment he asked carefully, "There's no leola root in here right?" Neelix looked aghast, "Would I do that to you?" "Yes" three voices cried out in unison. Neelix gave a little smile. "Weeeellll, I did try, but it tasted so awful, I ended up making another one. I never met a dish that leola didn't agree with until I tried making this open pie. Tom never looked more grateful in his life. "Thank goodness, because the thought of putting leola on a pizza is sacrilege as far as I am concerned." He took a bite. "Heaven" he breathed as if the very act had transported him there. The others dug in. "I'm going to have to take back what I said at Prixin, you do know how to make a pizza." At the reference, Neelix looked a little grave, Tom caught the look and the look of the others at the table and felt the fool. "Neelix, I'm sorry I didn't mean to." Neelix drew himself taller and said. "No, No it's OK. What happened this morning, happened and I would like to apologize for my actions."

"Why Neelix, we should be apologizing to you, we didn't even notice something was wrong."

"With all due respect B'Elanna, I'm not an engine. You didn't notice because I didn't want anyone to notice. The accident has caused a great deal of doubt in me and I'm going to need time to work it out. At the time, I guess I didn't see that and I forgot about the people who needed me. And that's why I'm apologizing." Now the trio at the table looked a bit sad. "But enough of that, as they say Bon Appetite!" "Oh, I almost forgot." Slapping his hands against his apron, Neelix hurried into the kitchen. He came out with a large pitcher filled with larger and three tall glasses. "Synthale" He explained as he put he pitcher on the table in front of them. "Neelix you are a genius. Thanks." Neelix knew he wasn't only thanking him for the pizza.

Harry gestured to the empty chair that was next to him, "Join us" Tom and B'Elanna intoned the invitation and began making space for him to sit. Neelix was uncomfortable but he took some time to look at each of them in their eyes, searching for some condemnation, anger or even pity. All he saw in their gazes was love, warmth and acceptance. He saw apprehension also, but the former emotions were more prevalent than the latter and in time he felt himself relaxing.

"Thanks, I think I will"

"So did you see who Nicholetti brought to Prixin?" Harry began whispering in a confidential manner

"I heard that the break up with Rawlins was a bad one…..they were heard throughout the entire deck that night." Neelix added with relish. This he felt comfortable with. As they gossiped, slowly he began to believe that maybe he could get back to normal after all.

* * *

"Good Luck Tom, I know I speak for more of us than you can imagine when I say that you're going to leave and empty space when you go, I hope you find what you are looking for."

Tom sat in his darkened quarters looking at the view screen. He had never heard this installation of "A briefing with Neelix" and his heart has skipped a beat as he realized how much Neelix valued him as a friend when their journey was still young.

It was a bad time when he was leaving it the ship to flush out Michael Jonas as a spy two years ago. It hurt to much to see the looks of disappointment on the crew's face even though he knew that he was following orders for their own good. As a result, he never listened to his farewell message, although he knew that one was made. He never gave it a moment's thought when he got back. Listening to it, even now, brought back painful memories. He remembered what it felt like to want to tell someone so badly and having to remember just in time how important the silence was. He remembered how much it hurt when others just avoided him and stayed away from him as the rumors began anew and once again the incident on Caldek prime was rehashed. That hurt actually gave him the strength to keep him mouth shut and in the end he shied away from everyone when he was relieved of duty.

Was Neelix going through the same thing yesterday as he was then? But why didn't he reach out before the feeling of despair brought to the point of attempting suicide? Why did he take such great pains to hide what was wrong? He had his orders, what did Neelix have? What stopped him from reaching out then and how could make sure that Neelix would reach out if he needed help again?

_Be Boop_

"Come," He hit pause on the computer screen. B'Elanna entered. When she did she could see the computer consul on his desk. "What's this?" She asked, walking towards the desk

"Neelix sent it to me right before he tried to beam to the Nebula." He told the computer to start playback.

"Tom, I don't know if you ever heard this installment of "A Briefing with Neelix, but I wanted to send it to you. What was said then, is held doubly true now." There was a slight pause when the briefing began.

"Good day Voyager, I want to tell you about a friend of mine….."

"This was recorded before you left last year." B'Elanna said. Tom nodded as he hit the pause button and leaned on the desk facing her. She was about two feet away from her

"You remember," Tom gave a smile. B'Elanna didn't return it, she crossed her arms on her chest "I remember all right. I remember being angry with you for throwing away everything that you had worked so hard to get. Even though I considered a pig sometimes, I felt as if I were losing a friend." Tom moved closer to her and touched her arm. Sighing, B'Elanna did something that she was not accustomed doing. She let go of the anger she felt then and slipped her arm around the small of his back. He led her to the couch and they sat down together. B'Elanna gave him a small hug. It had been an emotional day for them and she was grateful that she could spend her off hours with him. She rested her head in the crook of his arm. Tom felt content being here with her and nuzzled his face on her head. They remained that was for a while each lost in their own thoughts.

"You know with all the research that Neelix has been doing in Klingon culture and the way he has been going on about how much he admired it, I'm surprised that he would begin to think that ending his life would be something honorable to do."

"I don't think he was thinking about Klingons in that entire period of time B'Elanna, and he was certainly not worrying about honor. He was in pain, it was all consuming."

B'Elanna was so stunned to hear what Tom was saying that she broke his embrace and sat apart from him. She was facing him dead on. He wanted to turn his head, to shield his thoughts from her, but he didn't.

"How do you know that, have you ever considered committing suicide?" Coming from B'Elanna it sounded more like an accusation than a question.

Tom clasped his hands in front of him and then shut his eyes, took a deep breath in preparation to speak. But he hesitated. He then opened his eyes and gave her a defiant look and said.

"Many times, briefly during the incident on Caldek Prime it just seemed easier than living with everyone else's disappointment."

"You mean your disappointment in yourself"

"Yeah, that too."

"But you didn't _do_ anything," B'Elanna backed down and that response came out a little softer than the accusation that she had hurled at him a while ago. She took his hand. Tom felt her support and love through that simple gesture.

"No, I didn't. There was something in me that wanted to survive. It was stronger than the hopelessness." With this revelation, Tom felt a little too naked in front of B'Elanna, so he turned the subject away from himself. "I suppose being part Klingon, you never had feelings of helplessness."

"I'm too stubborn to have those kinds of feelings." She said ruefully.

"Well for those of us who are not part Klingon, those feelings do prop up from time to time. We learn to deal with them."

"As someone who wants to have a stake in your future, I hope that you did learn how to deal with them."

"Oh really." Tom said huskily, his lips closing the gap between them.

"Yes." and the met him half way.

* * *

"Come." Chakotay barely looked up from the PADD that he was working on in his office.

"Commander." The voice got him. "Neelix," he put down the PADD and stood up . "I hadn't realized that it was already 1400 hours. Come join me." He gestured to the floor on which his medicine bundle was placed. Chakotay sat down and Neelix followed suit facing him, his medicine bundle between them. Chakotay had opened the bundle and put the items out. A period of uncertain silence followed after the two men sat down. "I don't know where to begin," Neelix said uncertainly. "Wherever you want to. You will be guiding me on this journey that the two of us will make together." Chakotay looked at him intently.

Neelix wished that he wasn't there, but what Captain Janeway had said to him affected him deeply. He owed to her, to the crew to try and figure out what was going to be the guiding force in his life, now that his beliefs had been proven wrong.

"Well I better start by telling you what happened in the vision quest again. I saw my sister, the crew telling me that I had died in that Nebula and coming back was a mistake……"Neelix began.

Chakotay interrupted. "What exactly did you see, lets talk a little about the images; the way that your thoughts manifested themselves."

"Well, I started off in the Mess Hall, that's where I was the most at peace, the place where I was most wanted and needed. It was Prixin. People came up to me and complimented me on a lot of things I had done for them."

"The Mess Hall was the place where you felt most at peace?" Chakotay asked with a shocked smile on his face. Neelix looked up at him surprised that he should ask that. "You sound surprised commander?" Chakotay tried to get out of the corner that he had put himself into. "Well, um, it's just that a lot of people tease you a lot there."

"It's all out of love." The matter of fact way that Neelix made this statement made him realize how firmly Neelix believed in that truth. "Well, right, yes….that's what it is. Tell me more." Chakotay continued anxious to get off that subject

"Well," Neelix shifted a bit. "The Captain was talking to Alixia my sister, but she was across the room and when I got to her position, she had left so I went looking for her. I finally found her in the Great Forest and I asked her why she wasn't there, why the Great Forest wasn't there when I died." Neelix swallowed hard and his voice was very soft at the end of his narration. Chakotay waited in silence for him to compose himself and for him to continue with his narration. "She told me that it was all lie and she disappeared, actually she disintegrated to dust right before my eyes and the Great Forest crumbled all around me. I saw myself as I appeared in the holodeck after the accident." Chakotay winced, he should have never allowed him to help him in the holodeck. "I told myself, that I had died in that Nebula and I should not have been brought back; I knew what I had to do. The other bridge crew members and seven came to me and re-enforced the sentiment by telling me that there was no point living and I knew what I had to do. Then I woke up." Neelix looked like telling the story again took all of the effort out of him and at the end fell quiet. Again Chakotay waited. Neelix finally said, "That's all Commander."

"Then let's start with the place where you felt most at peace."

* * *

"Neelix."

"Tom. What are you doing in the mess hall so late?"

"I came in to get a snack."

"What will you have?"

"How about those Kadafar chip like things?"

"Actually I was going to whip up a big batch and leave it out for the crew for those late night snackers. It seems to be a hit with the crew."

Neelix turned his back to Tom to get the snacks to put them in the pot. They would take about five minutes to cook.

"Here let me help." Tom joined him in the kitchen and together, they put a triple batch on.

"Something on your mind Tom?"

"Yes. You." Came the reply. Tom turned to face the Talaxian cook.

Neelix got a bit flustered. "Tom, I'm going to be fine. I don't need you worrying about what you said before."

"No that's not it. I received the episode of _A briefing with Neelix_, the one that you left for me."

"Oh" Neelix stopped short. Tom saw that it took an effort for him to continue.

"I'm sorry, I forgot about all of that message I left for you, I should have remembered to retrieve it."

"I'm glad you forgot. You were right, I never listened to the Briefing. It hurt too much at the time."

"Why?"

"Because everyone was so disappointed with me, with my behavior aboard Voyager. I had let a lot of people down. It reminded me of another time when I did the same thing. Even being on orders, it hurt like hell to do some of the things that I did and watch everyone turn away in disappointment."

"I know what you mean." Tom knew that he did.

"Neelix, thank you for what you said then. What you believed about me then and what you do now. I know what's it's like." Whereas he made an effort to face B'Elanna, he found that he couldn't face Neelix. He concentrated on the floor as his voice grew softer. Neelix looked at him.

"You do, don't you? You know how hard it is to look at yourself in the mirror realizing that you had hurt so many people, people who trusted you, who thought you trusted them"

"Yeah." Came the soft reply. Tom looked up and faced Neelix. Neelix found that he had to force himself to maintain eye contact with the Helmsman.

"But I also know what it is like for one or two people to see beyond your disappointment in yourself and reach out to you by still believing in you, by refusing to give up on you." Tom clasp his hand on Neelix's back. "You did that for me then, please know that I am willing to do that for you now. I don't know what it is like to lose a fundamental belief, but I do know what it is like to feel hopeless and beyond help. I don't want any of my friends to feel that way when I'm around. Promise me Neelix, that you will talk to me whenever you feel that way again."

The truth.

"I don't know if I can promise that Tom, not right now." Tom was hurt and he struggled to contain it. He let his hand fall off Neelix's shoulder and began fussing around with the chips.

It was Neelix's turn to clasp him on the back. "But I do promise to do everything in my power not to let these feelings overwhelm me again. And I want you to know, what you shared with me today, goes a long way in helping me do just that."

"Can you at least promise me that you will let someone know in no uncertain terms what is going on? You're too important to us Neelix, for us to let you go without a fight" With the concern in Tom's eyes, Neelix found it was easier to face him now than it was in the beginning.

He smiled as he said, "That I can promise. You have my word. Come on, help me with this." Neelix did not miss, the way that Tom pretended that something had got from the pot to his eye, in order to wipe the tears that were threatening to fall.

* * *

"So you were chasing your sister, why?"

"So she would explain to me why she wasn't there at the Great Forest?"

"What made you think that she knew why she wasn't there?"

"She was dead, she should know why."

"But here is what I don't understand, what was she doing in the Mess Hall. She has never been aboard this ship, why be in the Mess Hall at all?"

"She is part of my family" Neelix said right off his head, then realizing what he said, he turned to face Chakotay on the couch. "As much as the people at Voyager are my family now." He said softly

"But she left the Mess Hall and went into the Great Forest……" Chakotay prompted.

"Just as she left my family when she died and disappeared into the Great Forest."

"And when I followed her, she disintegrated symbolizing that she wasn't there."

"Maybe it was because _you_ weren't there."

"You've told me that before, and I didn't believe it. I was dead. As soon as I died, I should have entered the Great Forest found the Guiding Tree and my family."

"Are you sure that you were dead?"

"Well according to Seven and the Doctor, I was"

"According to Seven when the Doctor said that you dead, _'by your narrow definition perhaps, but not by mine'_. According to her a person is not dead until they are beyond resuscitation. For humans its 18 hours after respiratory failure because of our medical science. For the Borg it's 72 hours because of their technology. Perhaps you will enter the Great Forest after you truly die, when you have gone beyond the point of no return to this life." Finally Neelix looked at the Commander with new hope. "I had never thought about it like that Commander."

Chakotay had to admit, that he didn't either until he was intently listening to the visions that Neelix was describing and letting them sink in. But still there was something else that was missing and in their four sessions of being together, Neelix had been willing to ponder the images as much as they death with the cerebral theologies of life after death. He was still shying away from the fact that he was willing to forfeit his life when his beliefs were placed in doubt. But before reaching the point that Neelix reached in trying to commit suicide, a person would normally try to make some sense of what was wrong with the belief and try to reconcile their experience with the theology. But Neelix had abandoned belief and experiences, his life within two days of the visions. Something else was playing a large part in what he had tried to do. Chakotay firmly believed that it was Neelix himself who had determined that _Life was irrelevant, he stood alone, he should let go and it was a lie_. And the people who told him that in his vision were just manifestation of his……what?

"Sit with that thought for the two days until we meet again." For the first time in two days, Neelix actually left his office looking like he was achieving some measure of peace.


	3. Chapter 3

"Come"

Kathryn barely looked up as Neelix entered the Ready Room. When she finally saw who it was, she put down the PADD that hat her complete attention a moment before and motioned him to join her on the couch.

"Join me." He accepted the offer and it did not escape him that the Captain turned her whole body to face him. Neelix thought that what he came in for was a little too trivial to warrant the Captains attention like this, but he didn't say so.

"What can I do for you?"

"It's Ensign Goldwatt's birthday and I wanted your permission to make one of her favorite dishes. It contains an extremely hazardous ingredient that has a restricted replicator pattern…"

"Say no more, when's the celebration?"

"Tomorrow night"

"Send me the pattern ID and I'll release it for you in time."

"Thanks Captain" He made a motion as if he was getting up to leave, but Kathryn rested a gentle hand on his shoulder to make him stay a little while longer.

"Neelix, I haven't seen you in a while, how is it going?"

This time he didn't have to fight too hard not to look down, the support that he saw in her eyes gave him the courage to stay focused on her.

'I'm OK Captain."

"I'm glad. How has everyone been treating you?"

"The Bridge crew has been very supportive Captain. I didn't think that they would be after what I did to them."

"We're here Neelix, whenever you need us" Neelix looked away from her then.

"I'm sorry that this happened Captain, I wish I had been stronger through this. I guess in some ways I will always be a coward."

"Neelix look at me." Slowly he did.

"When you're in a great deal of pain, you don't stop and think about what you're doing and how it affects others. You just want the pain to stop." Neelix's jaw hung open in shock. The Captain, _his Captain_; the woman whose strength, courage, compassion and selflessness seem to have no end, knew exactly what he was feeling now? From personal experience? Kathryn nodded slightly as if reading his thoughts and continued.

"During that time, don't rely on your strength, rely on the strength of your friends, of your family. They will get you through it, especially when you can't make it through yourself." She gave a small smile at the end of her statement and Neelix saw that her eyes were full. He opened and closed his mouth several times and Kathryn did not waver from his gaze, inviting him to ask her anything that he wanted. Finally Neelix smiled and said,

"Thank you Captain."

Understanding the gift that she gave him, Kathryn replied softly

"Anytime….Dismissed"

* * *

"You miss your family a lot don't you?" Chakotay asked gently. Neelix had been trying hard not to cry, but his voice disarmed the Talaxian and his tears began to fall.

"Right after the Cascade, I didn't know how I was going to make it. I missed them so much that not a day went by when I didn't think about them and grieve for them. Then when I began to attempt making a life for myself, I shut off those feelings. It was easier that way. Concentrating on survival took up all of my energy and all of my strength. When I met Kes, the pain lessoned even though I allowed myself to grieve for them again. The promise of a life with Kes and the possibility of a new family to call my own was enough to make me start accepting what had happened to them and to me. And when Kes was gone, I had my friends on Voyager, you became my family."

"But you said that it wasn't enough"

"No Commander it's not. I need to see my family again, to say good bye properly. To tell them all the things that I didn't get time to"

_Was that a look of guilt that crossed his face?…._Chakotay picked up on a fleeting expression….._of what?_

"Neelix, why weren't you with your family during the Cascade?" His mind picked up on it, he had no idea why he was asking that. He had told them about that before. Perhaps he needed to hear it in Neelix's own words.

"I dodged the draft. I told you all that I went to join our forces, but it was not true. I was in Talax running away from doing my duty." Neelix looked down as he continued. "I guess even now, I still am as much of a coward as I was back then.

"I don't believe that Neelix, you've stood by us and fought side by side with us too many times for me to believe that of you." Chakotay replied earnestly. 'Neelix, why did you dodge your draft?"

"I believed that the war was morally wrong Commander, I wanted no part in it"

"Standing up for something you believe in is not cowardice, Neelix." Chakotay hesitated for a bit before he continued. "Do you thing that because there might be no way to be with them now, that your desire to go into oblivion may be a subconscious way of joining your family, or maybe a way of massaging your guilt for not dying with them?"

"I don't know Commander, I'll have to think about that."

"We'll pick it up from there next time."

* * *

"B'Elanna!" Neelix exclaimed as he answered the chime. "It was just a simple malfunction in my consul, anyone from Engineering or Operations could have come down to my quarters to look at it. You didn't have to do this."

"I wanted to take care of this personally." B'Elanna stepped into his quarters as the door closed behind her. She placed the engineering tool box on the floor and turned to face him.

"Why?' Neelix was perplexed. B'Elanna seemed to be deliberating whether or not to say something. Neelix realizing what this was about, felt his heart fall. He didn't want to face her, but he had made up his mind to do just so and face the consequences of his actions. He had learned how important that was after his experiences in the Necrit Expanse.

"Because I wanted to talk to you about what you tried to do five days ago. I just have one question. Did you appoint anyone my punching bag when you were gone?"

"No." Neelix felt like a failure again.

"Good, because no one else would have been able to fill your shoes. I told you before that no one had ever offered to do that for me before and now that I have you, I don't think that anyone else could do the job. I need you Neelix and I am angry that you wanted to take yourself away from me like that." Neelix turned away at that point. He thought that by this time he could face people when dealing with what he had attempted, but then B'Elanna was the first person who had reacted with anger. Guilt descended on him almost immediately and he almost could not stand it. B'Elanna continued as if he hadn't done anything.

"More than that though I'm hurt that you would want to leave us like this."

"I know. Don't worry B'Elanna, the Captain already gave me this speech in sickbay and I'm still smarting from it."

"Good." B'Elanna seemed to be satisfied with his answer because she continued in a voice that was a lot less harsh than it was before. "Neelix" She walked around him so that he was facing her again.

"I want you to know, that even thought I pretend that I don't care about Klingon traditions most of the time and I try to run away from them, I appreciate all the effort that you have put in to help me accept my other half. I want you to know that though you may not see it, I do take in most of your comments about your understanding and interpretation of Klingon culture, customs and traditions and some times I have grown a little in my understanding of them through your eyes."

She thought about the last _Day of Honor_ that she spent abroad Voyager. "Though I have not accepted my Klingon side whole heartedly and I probably never will, I certainly understand it a lot better than I did before, and that's thanks to you. You were able to in a couple of years what my mother tried all my life to do. Please…." Neelix could see the tears forming and didn't believe what he was seeing. This was B'Elanna; the half Klingon whose temper left better men than he, trembling.

"Don't walk out on me like my father did. I need you just like I needed him." Neelix engulfed her in a bear hug. "I promise." He felt her tears falling on his back. "Tell the Klingon side of you to shut up. Right now these tears say more to me than her anger ever could," He felt the tension go out of her as she smiled through the tears that were silently running down her cheeks.

Neelix remembered the opening scene in his vision and once again he felt that deep level of peace.

* * *

That peace was gone in a flash, Neelix alternated between looking like he was ready to bolt and being out of his wits. The panic was on his face, but Chakotay had to keep pressing, he knew that he was close, he felt it at first and now he was seeing it.

"We've talked about how important Voyager and its crew is to you, that's the reason why you chose the mess hall to begin your vision quest. We talked about how Alixia leaving the mess hall parallels you leaving Voyager in death. Then the after life, the Great Forest dissolves and disintegrates around you , and you meet the same people who complimented you and praised you in the mess hall and they are telling you it's hopeless. Why would they turn on you like that?"

"I don't know. Neelix clenched his hands and shut his eyes tight, all he saw was red. Chakotay was standing behind one of his guest chair in his office. Neelix, in that chair tried his best to ignore the Commander's voice. But he found that he couldn't. He got up……

"Do you think any one of us would ever say something like that to you?" Chakotay demanded angrily.

"No." Came the tense reply

"Then who would say something like that to you?" Chakotay lowered his voice, but the intensity from before was present in the soft voice. Neelix shivered slightly. He knew who the commander reminded him of at that time. He had to get out of there. He started to move towards the door.

"Neelix!", "Computer, seal the doors, privacy lock."

Neelix turned towards him, Chakotay could see that him clenching and unclenching his hands, looking like a cornered animal. He knew the rage. He knew that he had to be very careful with Neelix right now, it was evident to him that the Talaxian was extremely fragile.

"Then who said those things to you? Who was it Neelix?"

"I don't _know_!" He hissed through clenched teeth that could give Captain Janeway a run for her lattinum.

"Yes you do. WHO!" Chakotay yelled at him.

"IT WAS ME OK," Then realizing what he said to be truth, he repeated it. "I_ SAID_ those things to myself."

"Why?"

"Because, it's the truth. It's only going to be a matter of time before I lose this family, the way that I lost my original one. And now because of the lie…the lie that is my afterlife, if one you, the Captain, you, Seven, Tom, B'Elanna, Harry even Mr. Tuvok, _dies_ that's it. _Finito._ The End . I'll never see you again. I can't go on, I don't _want_ to go on knowing that I will have to go through the pain of losing a second family like I lost the first with no hope…." Neelix's voice had trailed into a soft whisper and Chakotay had to strain to hear him. His eyes were haunted, and the pain that he saw in Neelix's eyes almost made him flinch. Neelix steeled himself to continue, "….with no hope of ever seeing you again, of us being together ever again."

Neelix stumbled to the sofa. Chakotay followed him, but gave him a wide berth. He was silent.

Neelix continued without any further prompting. He seemed to be glad that Chakotay had forced him to this point. He laid down the heavy burdens that he had been carrying for months.

"I don't believe that I want to punish myself for not dying with them. Even if I had died with them, I'd still want us to be alive and a family for all eternity. I just want to _be_ with them."

"I miss them."

Chakotay was encouraged by the fact that Neelix's voice much calmer now. He sensed that the dialogue forthcoming would be cathartic.

"My parents, brothers and sisters. I cling to the Great Forest because with the belief in the Great Forest, the effects of the Meteron Cascade lost its power. They were only going to be gone for as long as I was alive and then we would have an eternity to spend together. In the end, Jetrel and the Hokanan's would not have won by stripping me of everything that I am; of taking the most precious thing that I own. In the Great Forest, my family and I, we would be the winners. And if I was still going to meet them in the afterlife, then I still had my family. That hope defined everything that I am, everything that I wanted to be. I wanted to show them what I had done with my life. Now what's the point? Maybe I should be glad there's no Great Forest? What have I really done with my life anyway? I'm barely any good here. Voyager really doesn't need a cook and an Ambassador and it certainly doesn't need a war deserter."

"Why did you come off that Transporter Pad, Neelix?"

"Naomi needed me."

"Was she the only reason?"

"At the time yes."

"Why are you here talking to me?"

"Because you, the Captain and the Doctor ordered it." Neelix was retreating. Chakotay wouldn't let him.

"Computer unseal the doors. I'm declaring you fit for duty. Your security protocols will be reinstated. You don't have to talk to me any more if you don't want to." Chakotay knew that this was the response from being emotionally naked with him a minute ago, he wanted to retreat to safer territory, telling himself he was only revealing his darkest fears because he had been ordered to. Chakotay yanked that safety blanket.

"Why are you doing this?"

"Because in order for you to get what you need, you need to be doing this of your own free will." There really was no running away again, no safety net. He had to trust Chakotay now because he wanted to, not because he was ordered to.

"You're not afraid that I will try to commit suicide again?" Neelix asked hopefully

"Will you try again?"

The first duty, and he would obey it even though he was scared.

"No"

"Why not?"

Hesitation. Neelix's eyebrows knitted in concentration. He looked as if he settled on a thought and whatever it was that he remembered it made him sad.

"I don't think I can say that I value my life right now, but I can't hurt the crew like that, not again."

Chakotay smiled, "Why not?"

"Because I'm a part of this crew and I owe them to try and work through this. I'll live for them until I can live for myself"

"Why didn't you think of that before?"

"Don't know." The haunted look came back again.

"So a cook, an ambassador and moral officer who was once a deserter and one who is not needed on this ship is a valued member of the crew so much so that saving his life is important to the rest of the crew, especially its command officers."

"Why Commander, why do you all value me that much?" It was the look of disbelief that got to Chakotay. He leaned over to give his next words the proper gravity

"Starfleet is not just the military arm of the Federation. It embodies and upholds the principles of those planets. The people who serve, reflect those principles the best when they let them change who they are. When they allow the governing principles of the Federation to influence their lives and give them meaning. When they grow change and impact their world positively by living it. We know that it works the best when non-Federation citizens who have been exposed to these principles find them enlightening enough to emulate them as good as any Starfleet officer."

"Me!" Neelix asked incredulously.

"You." Chakotay replied simply.

"There are a lot of humans who right now do not believe in an afterlife, nor do they think it necessary to believe in order to live their lives now. They don't look to family to define who they are, they define themselves by the way they act. And when they are gone, what they have done, points to who they were and that shall never die in the hearts of those who love them. In that way they will always be together, for them that is the_ afterlife_." Neelix pondered this as Chakotay went on.

"I'm not suggesting you give up in believing in an afterlife at all. You may come to that at the end of your journey. Or you may not. But what I am suggesting is that while you are sorting it out, allow who you are today, who you have become to speak in your life _now_. Let this experience help you to become a better person today and let it teach you to help other who you see are in need just as you are now. _Live_ your life in peace knowing that you have a family now, one who loves you and you are giving them your best so that they may survive and thrive. You'll be surprised when death actually comes you will be the type of person who will make your family proud, whether they are dead, in the afterlife, or alive and on Voyager, or wherever you end up.

Neelix was watching the commander intently when he finished speaking. Chakotay knew it was time to stop for the day.

"Dismissed."

* * *

Chakotay entered the mess hall and observed that it was empty. He was glad. He felt drained after his session with Neelix and just wanted to be in that particular room because of what it meant to the Talaxian. He had finished reinstating his security protocols. He was confident now that Neelix was beginning to face up to what had happened to him and how much his insecurities had contributed to the interpretation he had of the vision quest. He was on the mend. Chakotay was sure of it now. Unlike the last time, he knew that Neelix would keep his next appointment on his own.

The Commander dragged a chair to his favorite spot by the view widows. It was sort of a cubby hole at the eastern end of the mess hall. Once his chair was in position, no one could intrude on his privacy as he sealed off the outside room with his back. He didn't need to illuminate the corner as he felt the darkness familiar. He had come there many of times in the dead of night and used it as his own personal thinking spot. He placed the PADD on the table he knew was there and stretched out in the chair, his knees straight out and his arms hanging on the outside of the chair. He closed his eyes and felt himself relaxing.

"Hard day at the office dear?" A bemused voice coming from the darkness spoke to him. Chakotay shot up even though he recognized the voice.

"Captain what are you doing here in the dark?" He asked, "Computer Illumination, lowest setting."

"I couldn't sleep, this is normally the place where I come to when that happens. Somehow being here allows my thoughts to wander constructively. But I see that I'm not the only who claims this spot as their own."

"No you are not." Chakotay relaxed a little. He looked over at Kathryn and saw that she was drinking a cup of hot tea. She gestured by raising her cup. "Neelix left a pot on, would you like some?"

"Thanks" She got up the same time that he did. "Relax Commander," she put a hand on his shoulder when he didn't sit down right away, "That's an order. Let me get it for you. You look like you can't take another step right now." She continued to the mess hall counter and poured him a cup. He took it gratefully when she came back.

"What has you up so late?" She asked settling back in her chair as Chakotay was sipping his tea.

"Neelix's appointment was late tonight."

"How's he doing?"

"I think that we've reached the turning point, so I have reinstated his security protocols."

Kathryn gave one of her most generous smiles. Chakotay basked in the warmth of it and of his tea.

"That's wonderful Commander. I can't tell you how relieved I am. If Neelix were to try to injure himself again, I don't think that we will be able to handle the moral fallout from the crew."

Chakotay nodded and took another sip of his tea. Kathryn could see the fatigue etching his face.

"How are you doing?"

"What do you mean?"

"I know that you felt overwhelmed at this task and helping someone sort out his beliefs after they had been cast into great doubt, must not have been easy."

"It wasn't" Chakotay placed his cup on the table. "I'm tired, elated, emotionally exhausted all in one emotion. I should be trying to sleep, but to be honest I didn't want to go to my quarters, not just yet."

"I'm glad you didn't even though it means that my private spot is not so private anymore."

Chakotay looked at her quizzically. Kathryn turned to face him squarely

"I've been thinking about us, several months ago. When you were lost on the Vhori Sphere…..when _I_ almost lost you on the Vhori Sphere. I remember thinking how many times you have been an invaluable help to me with the crew emotionally, myself included. Sometimes, it seems that we go from one adventure to one disaster to the next without acknowledging the small things that others do from day to day that makes this journey home bearable. We applaud the big things and ignore the little things, without which we would not be able to survive. You're at my right hand Chakotay, sometimes you function so efficiently that I forget about what you do, how much I value the way you put your best into everything you do. I remember all the others, Chakotay but sometimes I forget I need to look out for you, not just as your Captain, but as your best friend."

Chakotay didn't say anything, but he took her hand and together their gaze joined out of the window.

Sometime later, Chakotay stood up. He had felt his eyes falling and knew it was time for bed. Kathryn got up also. He knew that she felt the same peace that he did. "I think it's time to turn in. Walk you to your quarters Kathryn?' She nodded silently. Together they left the mess hall.

The end.

**Part 9: Coming into the Light: **

**Ray 3: Making Time**


End file.
